Thursday, August 23, 2007

Top Ten Movie Beatdowns

Ok, I will be honest with you. This list began as one thing and has morphed into something completely different. Though, this may in fact be more enjoyble to write then what was previously planned below. So, I give to you the Top Ten Movie (or maybe the title should be Hollywood) beatdowns.

10. Jaws versus Swimming.
I will be completely honest with you, I am pretty damn sure the reason why I tend not to go into the ocean as much as everyone else is due to Jaws. I more then likely saw this movie at way impressionable age and has since then been reluctant to go into the water. I apparently am not alone in this as many people do not swim due to fear of beating eaten by a man hungry beast. Sadly those who should be frightened never are and end up in a shark's belly next to a license plate from Louisiana. A special nod should also go to Creepshow 2 and the middle section of The Raft which usually keeps me out of lakes as well.

9.Rocky Balboa versus AIDS
If you remember the movie at all (first may the Gods have mercy on your soul) you'll know the big boxing match in the movie isn't in the ring, it's between Rambo and Brian Bosworth outside of a bar. Looking on is Don King who had his hair cut by Brutus Beefcake and the rest of the Phily faithful who at that moment aren't in the drunk tank. Any ways, we all know this was 1990, the AIDS fear was pretty rampant. Rocky proved that you could box a man with HIV and not catch it, just lose your movie career. Which, if you think about it, is worth losing then your life.

8.Maverick versus Communism
Without a doubt one of the greatest American stories ever told was Top Gun. A man whose father was disgraced in a previous war flies like a mad man, flips off the enemy and sleeps with an Admirals daughter all before he begins his true quest, destroying communism being no taller then five foot two. During this he loses his best friend, sleeps with a teacher, gets Tom Skerrit to open up and plays shirtless oiled up volleyball with Batman. You know, every child's dream. In the end not his disgraced father, dead friend, height, Scientology, or having Nuke LaLoosh as your navigator can prevent this man from single handedly bringing down the Red menace. Truly after saving Batman's ass he will be put into that green speedo and made the newest Robin.

7.Michael Bay versus Skeptics
Admit it, you had that feeling deep down in your gut, maybe even in your subcockles when you heard Michael Bay was going to be making the Transformers movie. Hell, we all did! We all feared at what this bastard of a man might produce and regurgitate up onto the silver screen all around the world making other countries hate us more then they already do. Hey, so what if you're friends even went a lil insane and started sacrificing goats to Xonar the 7th God of Rigel X to prevent him from ruining it. It apparently worked. The movie wasn't as bad as we all expected, and most enjoyed it enough to not bitch too much about the obviously flaws and mistakes. We can at least put it into words everyone can understand, I saw Pearl Harbor and this was no Pearl Harbor.

6. Cuba Gooding Jr versus A Good Career
It all started out so nice for Cuba. He had a break out role in Boyz In The Hood, he had a small part in A Few Good Men, another staring role in Gladiator, then came Judgment Night and then his biggest break yet, Jerry Maguire. He earned an Oscar for his role in the film, had an episode on stage while accepting it, and used that momentum, for a while. He had As Good As It Gets followed by What Dreams May Come and then the under appreciated Men of Honor. Then, like an assassin in the night, the bomb dropped on his career. Now we're not saying that deciding to be in Pearl Harbor, Rat Race and Snow Dogs in a row was a wise decision, we're just saying that ever since then the only respectable role was playing a mentally handicapped kid who liked radios and football. He has now hit the bottom, staring in sequels so bad even Eddie Murphy doesn't want to do it. He's going to attempt to revitalize his career as he apparently has a role in American Gangster, but time will tell.

5. James Bond versus Chastity
James Bond has done more harm to religion's view of you should have one woman, one wife, then another brothel, red light district or pimp known to man. In many of the movies he beds multiple women while keeping the world safe from SMERSH, SPECTER, Communism, Drug Lords, bad outfits, and virgins. Yes, Bond has had sex with a virgin in one of his films. You may know her better as Dr. Quinn, in the movie she went by her alias Solitaire. Regardless, I know we shouldn't brag about a man who has nailed the same woman as Billy Bob Thorton, but then again that list includes Angelina Jolie so why not. Besides, he manages to find women with great names like Honey Ryder, Kissy Suzuki, Plenty O'Toole, Dr Holly Goodhead and of course Pussy Galore.

4. Dane Cook versus Role Variety
Let me say that I am a fan of Dane Cook, I find his schtick hilarious. I know some out there don't find him that funny, to me his is. Hahahahaha Superbleeder. Now, that being said, I have enjoyed the movies I have seen him in, then again I enjoy Dane Cook stand up. Now he tried to buck off his typecasting by doing Mr. Brooks, but that didn't work. You may have seen his trailer for Good Luck Chuck, the story of a man who sleeps with a woman and then the next guy she sleeps with she marries. Chuck is getting older, meets Jessica Alba and doesn't want to lose her. Naturally this is before the herpes story has spread to him, so he doesn't sleep with her. Well, guess what the premise of his next movie? He plays a man who is hired by men to be a horrible rebound date so that the women who left them realize what they had and go back to them. Yep, same premise, just being hired out like a whore this time. Oh, and Jessica Alba in this movie is Kate Hudson who is the ex of his best friend. As Robot Chicken would say, "What a twist!"

3. Scarface versus Cocaine
This is not so high because I'm so hardcore Scarface fanatic like some mall clothing stores, oh no, this is just the respect one must have for the human body to take a high amount of, well, poisoning and still not die. I mean think about it, the man has a desk with enough cocaine on it that it might sustain Motley Crue from Boston to Bismark. All that, doesn't die from cocaine, he overcomes the cocaine and manages to smack down about fifty cockroaches while taking bullets left and right. Maybe this portion should have been entitled Scarface and Cocaine overcome Drug Cartel Militia Men, probably.

2. Will Ferrell versus Stereotypes
Yes, I said stereotypes. No, I'm not talking about the stereotype of all SC alumni who graduate and are not athletes all look like extras at a country club or Republican fund raiser. I'm not talking about the stereotype of the SC alumni acting like a mafia in Southern California, it's only a stereotype if it isn't true. No, I'm talking about the stereotype that chubby, not tan, hairy like a wookie, average looking men can get chicks. Jenna Fischer, Leslie Bibb, Amy Adams, Christina Applegate, Kate Walsh, Zooey Deschanel, and the chicks from Wedding Crashers. Look at that list, he got all of those by merely being a funny man who makes movies. You don't need to look like the next two people to get chicks, you can be Will Ferrell.

1. Leonard Dicaprio and Mark Wahlberg versus Playa Haters
I will be the first to admit that I could be included in this group of "playa haters". I cheered when I first saw Leo sink to the bottom of the Atlantic in Titanic. A quick note, never EVER do that around a bunch of weeping adolescent girls, they will attempt to maim and murder you. Mark Wahlberg always got hate because he was Marky Mark, Leo because he was this pretty boy that every woman wanted. The sad fact is it took us a very long time to realize that both of these men were more then pretty faces, they were actually amazing actors with great range. I can't think of any movies where I saw them in and thought they did a horrible job. Yeah, Mark had The Big Hit, but that was a bad choice in roles, not acting. Sure Leo had The Beach, again though you can only make a shit sandwich out of shit. Either way, they have overcome all of the hate, been nominated multiple times for Oscars and are sitting atop of the world enjoying the view.

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