Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year!

The firm of Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. We hope that now that you've sobered up, you'll have a spectacular New Year. Alright, I will now stop pretending that I'm more than one person. It's hard to write that way.

In honor of all the Top-whatever lists of 2007 going around, here's the one I like the most: Dahlia Lithwick's Top Ten Stupidest Legal Arguments of 2007. My favorites: that Dick Cheney is not part of the executive branch, the section entitled "Alberto Gonzales," and the waterboarding is not torture argument. I also got fired up by the Scooter Libby-30 Months is too much argument. Reading this list makes me yearn for more ethical Republicans whose lies could at least pass the straight face test, like Richard Nixon's.

I think that the most fun part of beginning a New Year is making predictions. What does 2008 have for us? It's going to be a very interesting year to say the least, so without further ado, here are ten of my predictions for 2008.

8. gets national attention after several of its writers create an international incident while celebrating Battle of Bennington Day in Vermont along the Canadian border.

7. Mike Huckabee wins the Republican nomination for President after combining social conservativism with some populist politics. This prompts Mike Bloomberg and John McCain to make a center-right bid for the executive offices, fracturing the Republican Party.

6. On the Democratic side, Barack Obama doesn't so much win the Democratic nomination so much as Hillary Clinton creeps everyone out. Joe "The Most Qualified Candidate" Biden shakes his head in frustration. John Edwards explodes a la Howard Dean.

5. Recession: sorry folks, it's coming. The bastard child of the Bush tax cuts comes back to get us as huge government deficits raise the cost of lending, stifiling job creation and growth. This leads Democratic nominee Obama to a near electoral sweep in November. Dems strengthen their majorities in the House and Senate at the same time, as Americans turn to more common-sense, non-ideological solutions to their economic problems.

4. After Obama's win, Associate Justice John Paul Stevens announces his retirement.

3. Your 2008 Best Picture? Cloverfield. That looks freaking awesome. Your 2008 Ripping-off-a-great-idea-from-Heroes movie of the year? Jumper. What the freakin hell? Other movies I want to see: the new Star Trek movie, Choke, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, James Bond 22, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

2. Your year in baseball: I'm not going out on a limb here when I say that the Red Sox will repeat. Jacoby Ellsbury will be the AL ROY. Terry Francona has the best job in sports. Surprise of the year: Devil Rays make a early bid for the wild card, a prelude to 2009.

1. Somewhere in early September: the DC & H show hits the road and checks into D.C. for a couple years, be it at a firm or with the feds. I simply cannot stand Vermont women any longer, and I need to get out. On a side note, I'm taking girlfriend applications. You may send them to me by way of Dews, who I am appointing (for better or worse) as my liason.

And now, your 2008 predictions?


SayHey Kid said...

I predict that whoever is elected president will be in for only 1 term, dedicating all 4 years to damage control.

Cloverfield looks kinda cool. Along with the movies you mentioned, my money is on Harold a Kumar goto Amesterdam.

Tom Brady knocks up more Hollywood chicks. Thus earning the sports title of "Mr Illigitimate"

And yes. A recession

Dews said...

Someone will get busted for making out on the front porch of the "Frat House"...

oh wait...