Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ohhhh that smell, can you smell that smell?!

We can't mention the greatest all time Wrestlemania matches without listing the all time worst Wrestlemania matches. This is supposed to be pro wrestling's Super Bowl, its Rose Bowl, and they've had their fair share of Broncos/Falcons games. Once again the list was prepared, scanned over by a team of very adapt orangutans, MD Zaius handed me their thoughts and I now present them to you, the 24 worst matches in Wrestlemania history.

David Sammartino vs Brutus Beefcake Mania
Jake The Snake Roberts vs George Who? Wells Mania 2
The Fabulous Moolah vs Velvet McIntyre Mania 2
Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs Dino Bravo Mania VI
Tenryu & Kitano vs Demolition version 2.0 Mania VII
Doink(s) vs Crush Mania IX
Earthquake vs Adam Bomb Mania X
Allied Powers vs Blu Brothers Mania XI
Rocky Maivia vs The Sultan Mania 13
The Undertaker vs Psycho Opps I Crapped My Pants Sid Mania 13
Mankind vs The Big Show Mania XV
Sable vs Tori XV
T&A vs Head Cheese Mania 2000
Terri Runnels vs The Cat Mania 2000
Maven vs Goldust Mania X8
John Cena vs The Big Show Mania XX
Kane & The Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters Mania 22

24. Tito Santana vs The Executioner Wrestlemania
This was the very first match in Wrestlemania history, featuring the future El Matador and the Flying Jalapeño of Doom againat some jobber in a mask. Nowadays they save this for Smackdown, or whenever Chavo defends the ECW Title but they weren't as experienced back then. I know I said I enjoy old school wrestling, but only when it's any good. Of course the Executioner was Playboy Buddy Rose, whose excessive weight gain over the years put what Yokozuna did later in life to shame. You may have seen him recently on the HBK DVD as he and Doug Summers feuded with the Midnight Rockers in the AWA.

23. Macho Man Randy Savage vs One Man Gang Semi-Finals Match Wrestlemania IV
Wrestlemania IV's whole concept was a championship tournament, and I am one of the few people who actually enjoy this Wrestlemania as the WWE actually has to have solid workers win it cause lets be honest, can the Big Show wrestle four times a night? Randy Savage went above and beyond in this pay per view, and his match against DiBiase has to be on the list of under appreciated Mania matches. This match however was abismal, and it wasn't the Nacho Man's fault. He had to face The African Biker Dream that had maybe Wrestlemania's worst finish of all time. ABD and Slick were disqualified when ABD swung Slick's cane at Savage and was disqualified. He didn't actually HIT Savage, but apparently just swinging an object gets you disqualified.

22. The Big Boss Man, Virgil, SGT Slaughter & Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs Repo Man, Nasty Boys and The Mountie Eight Man Tag Team Match Wrestlemania VIII
There are folks who love this match, I am not one of them. With the exception of Slaughter, Repo and Mountie every other participant was highly overrated and to this day I have no idea how they were over. Well, I may be too harsh on the man from Cobb County Georgia, he had his matches from time to time. Virgil? I wouldn't trust him to wrestle a match against Ric Flair without screwing it up. Hacksaw I always thought was partially retarded, and the Nasty Boys were getting over on folks because one was good friends with Hulk Hogan. Just imagine this though this match featured a former prison guard, a boxer, a drill sergant, your retarded cousin, a man in a racoon mask and treadmarks, two rejects from the Warriors and a Canadian Mountie now ask me why they made this list.

21. Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs Bad News Brown Wrestlemania V
I feel bad putting a match with Bad News Brown in it as I felt he never got the recognition he deserved. He could work very well, check his Stampede stuff if you don't believe me, and he actually got this gimmick fairly over. Hacksaw though is a walking shit storm, always has been always will be. I still to this day don't understand what people see in him, I mean come on people the kind of Hoooooos he's yelling about isn't the Godfather's.

20. Adrian Adonis vs Uncle Elmer Wrestlemania 2
Adrian Adonis tends to get the short end of the stick, mainly because he was given the craptastic gimmick of Adorable Adrian and the whole Flower Shop business, but there is no excuse for this match. Not completely his fault, he faced Uncle Elmer and all 450lbs of him. Uncle Elmer of course is notorious for the wedding on Saturday Night's Main Event that Piper interrupted. Funny thing is is that Uncle Elmer wrestled under 20 plus wrestling names throughout his career, no doubt attempting to avoid fans who wanted their money back.

19. Dusty Rhodes & Sweet Sapphire vs Macho King Randy Savage & Queen Sherri Mixed Tag Match Wrestlemania VI
Ah the match that could of been but never was. Why they didn't just have Dusty Rhodes and Randy Savage have a singles match so Dusty's one Mania match could be a good one. Instead we had to survive, not all were traumatized, watching Sweeeeeeet Sapphire wrestle. For the life of me I cannot determine how Sapphire has had a Wrestlemania match and Jerry The King Lawler hasn't. This just tells you how badly Sapphire was, you had three legends in the ring and they couldn't overcome the suck she just disseminated throughout the arena.

18. The Boogeyman vs Booker T and Sharmell in a Handicap Match Wrestlemania 22
Now anything involving Boogeyman is a train wreck, so naturally this match must be included. Now the best thing about this match is the opening walk through the hall, hell that was one of the best moment of that Wrestlemania period. Sadly the match couldn't equal that promo and should largely be forgotten.

17. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Scott Hall Wrestlemania X8
Oh, what could have been. Imagine if Scott Hall could have wrestled this match during his some-what sober years, imagine how good this match could have been. Instead what we got was a fat, out of shape possibly intoxicated Scott Hall attempting to do what he did at Wrestlemania X and steal the show. Sadly it was a very memorable match, but not for the right reasons. I'm probably too hard on this match, probably cause I can only imagine how good it could have been.

16. LOD 2000 (Hawk and Animal), Los Boricuas (Savio Vega and Miguel Pérez, Jr., and Jose Estrada, Jr. and Jesus Castillo), The Truth Commission (Recon and Sniper), Bradshaw and Chainz, two teams from the Nation of Domination (Mark Henry and D'Lo Brown, and Faarooq and Kama Mustafa), The Quebecers (Jacques Rougeau and Pierre Ouellet), The Rock 'n' Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson), The Headbangers (Mosh and Thrasher), Too Much (Scott Taylor and Brian Christopher), Disciples of Apocalypse (8-Ball and Skull), Steve Blackman and Flash Funk, The Godwinns (Phineas and Henry) and The New Midnight Express (Bombastic Bob and Bodacious Bart) in a 15 Team Battle Royal Wrestlemania XIV
Wow, where do I start with this? There is talent in this match, you have the Rock N Roll Express, one of the greatest tag teams of all time...of course they are ten years past their prime at this point. You have a former world champion and a future world champion respectively, but that's thrown out the window when you consider they also have Sniper, Mark Henry and the Blu Brothers. They most abysmal and best thing all at the same time is LOD 2000. Yes, the Road Warriors were transformed into hockey goalies from The Warriors but at the same time they had Sunny that wore an outfit that just barely covered everything, so you had that going for ya.

15. Razor Ramon vs Bob Backlund Wrestlemania IX
Two solid wreslters, probably the worst PPV, and one of the worst matches on it. Now, I don't know why, perhaps it's that feeling that they just decided hey lets put Razor and Backlund on the PPV, ok against who, fuck it just put them in a match and kill some time. We know Backlund could still work as evident the next year, but this thing left such a bad taste in your mouth you thought you had just watched Girlfriends.

14. The Undertaker vs Mark Henry in a Casket Match Wrestlemania 22
It saddens me a little bit to put Undertaker matches on this list, but they've done their best to book him in some of the worst matches in Mania history. This stinker of course cannot be blamed on the Dead Man since he had to carry dead weight around the entire match. Any time the "silver back gorilla" comes into a ring, I quickly turn the channel, I don't care if I turn it to Gossip Girl, I cannot watch this man attempt to "wrestle". I've often wondered what Taker has done to Vince McMahon to piss him off over the years....

13. Hillbilly Jim, The Haiti Kid and Little Beaver defeated King Kong Bundy, Little Tokyo and Lord Littlebrook in a Mixed Tag Team match Wrestlemania III
Ah, how the might had fallen. One year removed from making Hogan bleed in a cage King Kong Bundy (or as described in JCW a big dick in a broken black condom) was forced into a six man match with midgets and Hillbilly Jim. I don't know whose Cheerios he pissed into, but we wouldn't see him in another Wrestlemania match until Wrestlemania XI. The only positive thing about this match is when Bundy squashes a midget, that might be the best thing about Wrestlemania III.

12. The Red Rooster vs Bobby The Brain Heenan Wrestlemania V
Terry Taylor, not fully appreciated as a wrestler, was given one of if not the worst gimmicks of all time, The Red Rooster. Now, he was a man who thought he was a chicken. I shit you not, complete with tiny red mohawk. This match lasted 30 seconds, no I'm not exaggerating, and was over when he whiped The Brain into the corner. Yes, he pinned Bobby The Brain Heenan after a whip into the corner. No details are available on whether The Red Rooster and Rockin Robin were in a relationship.

11. Virgil vs The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase Wrestlemania VII
So DiBiase's butler, bodyguard, chauffeur, boyfriend, I don't know what he was at that point finally kicked off the his repression and rebelled against his former boss. This was their first match, and really the first time anyone saw Virgil wrestle in the WWF. To this day I know I wish he had stayed a butler and never subjected to us what he refers to as "wrestling" and some of us find down right offensive. I just feel bad for Roddy Piper for having to get roped into this debacle because of his first broken hip.

10. The Great Khali vs Kane Wrestlemania 23
There are very few men who are truly awful in every single match they are in, The Great Khali is one of those men. If you ever want to give yourself or an enemy nightmares, google a video of the Great Khali wrestling the Giant Silva in Japan.

9. The Undertaker vs The Big Boss Man in Hell In A Cell Wrestlemania XV
There has only been on Hell In A Cell that I thought was piss poor. They usually have some redeeming factor, this however was the one Hell In The Cell that did not deliver, and sadly it was at Wrestlemania. The match itself lasted about ten minutes and the cage itself wasn't used for the most part until after the match was over. So ya hung Haliburton Man in effigy, wow, sooooo exciting. Wrestlemania used to be the place to wrap up a storyline or have something momentous in one, not just another part of it.

8. Diamond Dallas Page vs Christian for the European Championship Wrestlemania X8
Christian and Diamond Dallas Page, two wrestlers who were never fully appreciated for the work they were capable in the WWE. The problem here was that DDP was doing the crappy Positively Page gimmick and Christian was a baby, throwing tantrums every time he lost. The match isn't probably as bad as I'm making it out, if you overlook DDP blowing spots, but it just seemed like something I'd see on Sunday Night Heat every week, not Wrestlemania.

7. Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow Wrestlemania XI
Look, I know there was a lot of hype built into this match because of L. Totally Trashed T. and all, and that's fine and all, but come on, as your Main Event?! It's the only time I can remember that I honestly wished Steve McMichael was actually wrestling in the place of the person in the ring.

6. The Bushwackers vs The Fabulous Rougeaus Wrestlemania V
Look, I know they're fan favorites. I know people loved having their heads licked by a couple of sheep fuckers from the outback, but I never understood the obsession with the Bushwackers. The only thing this match has going for it is the best porn stache of the night by Raymond Rougeau.

5. Dino Bravo vs Ronnie Garvin Wrestlemania V
I enjoy Ronnie Garvin's work, I really do. The Garvin Stomp is one of the greatest moves in wrestling history, period. Putting him against Dino Bravo, who had more roids in him then Jose Canseco, was just a shame. Having him beat Ronnie Garvin with a sidewalk slam is even worse. I don't care how you cut it, this was a former World's Champion who was beat by a sidewalk slam. Plus, even if you watch this match on fast forward it still seems like slow motion.

4. The Undertaker vs Giant Gonzales Wrestlemania IX
Where do we even start with the Undertaker against the reject from Harry and the Hendersons. It's not just the slow moving El Gigante, it's not even just the fake fur fake muscles body suit. I won't even just give it to the chloroform at the end of the match. The entire thing from beginning to vulture absolutely sucked. I don't know what it is with Vince McMahon and his obsession with carny like sideshow freaks, but it has to stop eventually. I just hope and pray that it isn't something hereditary.

3. Butterbean vs Bart Gunn in a Brawl For All Match Wrestlemania XV
Of course it's one of the worst matches of all time, as it was never meant to happen. The WWF created Brawl For All to get Dr. Death Steve Williams over with the non-internation, non-NWA crowd. He was supposed to be this legit street fighter, and instead they got Bart Gunn winning it all and then getting knocked out by Butterbean in 30 seconds. I wonder if Russo had any connection with this storyline...least Bart Gunn parlayed knocking out Doctor Death, who is idolized in Japan, with a successful career in Japan.

2. Akebono vs The Big Show in a Sumo Match Wrestlemania 21
Look, no one should ever have to see the Big Show in Sumo Gear, NO ONE. Another one of Vince McMahon's "bright ideas" that crashed hard to the ground. Sadly, this might actually seem like a five star classic compared to the Floyd Mayweather Big Show debacle that is going to take place Sunday.

1. Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar with Special Guest Referee Steve Austin Wrestlemania XX
There is only one time in Wrestlemania history where you have heard "this match sucks" and "boring" during a match. This could have been a phe-nominal match, if both competitors were actually PROFESSIONALS and gave the fans their money's worth. Sadly Brock tends to act like a spoiled child and Goldberg was never appreciative for the success professional wrestling has given him during his life. So instead of having a classic at Wrestlemania XX, they stood around for ten minutes, had a rugby squirm and then got stunned by Austin, which was the best thing about that match.

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