Mid Morning Fishwrap

TOP STORIES


This morning Treasury Secretary Geithner laid out the administration's plan on what to do with the remaining TARP funds and other implementations. The first will be stress test for various banks. We can only assume that these "stress tests" will include such Gitmo favorites as no sleep, noise, and total darkness. The second is they have called in some...associates...to, let us say motivate secondary lenders...you know what I mean pal? The third is to treat lending like toxic waste and send it to New Jersey. The fourth involves something with mortgages, but I don't know if anyone understands that. It also creates alleged transparency and, hell lets be honest, we're becoming loan sharks to the banks and THAT is fucking awesome.


President Obama gave his first press conference last night to speak on the Stimulus Bill and other matters of his presidency. What he really spoke on, very forcefully, was the mis-comprehension of Republicans that he means bi-partisan not by partisan work on the bill.

LOCAL NEWS

Apparently the snow that happened in Houston for about twelve minutes cause some of the worst delays in airportdom in America last year.

So when prices are dropping because of the recession you would think that would effect cable and satellite companies, yeah, you would think that.

In the, well isn't this a shock, portion of the news, prosecutors are asking a judge to send Marion Berry to jail for failing to file a tax return for the eighth time in nine years.

SPORTS


A-Fraud admitted that he took steroids, probably after watching what happened to Roger Clemens, Rafi, and Big Mac when they were either silent (Big Mac) or vehement deniers (the other two a-holes). I must agree with the DFP, there is only one sure fire way to punish these players. I for one am all for the HoF committee adopting a rule or something similar denying access to anyone caught juicing.

This "mother" can't be serious when she can't decide who is worse between Alex Rodriguez and Michael Phelps. Lady, lets take a quick look at the facts shall we? One increases your athletic performance, the other is a narcotic that some folks use in religious rights. One is arguably the most selfish ballplayer since Bonds, the other went out and won eight gold medals at the Olympics. One has decided to play for the DR, the other bleeds red white and blue. Wait, back to the drug portion. One is likely to end your life, the other is gonna give you the munchies. One is done by the rare few, the other has been done by over half of the population of the United States and is only illegal due to some made up bullshit in the early 20th century. Now tell me, who is worse?

ENTERTAINMENT


The star of Drumline and husband to Mariah Carey is the new host of America's Got Talent. I would say this is ironic but The Hoff is one of the judges after all...

Well, kiss your concert going days good bye. LiveNation is buying TicketMaster in some nasty $2.5 billion deal, luckily some folks see the monopoly monster this is and are trying to stop it.

Finally, a funny video to amuse you...

Three for Thursday

Want proof that money can't buy everything? Alex Rodriguez, he of the $300 million contract, threw a post-All Star Game bash in New York. The only problem was, no one showed up! Swanky bars, girls, and one of the best ballplayers of all time apparently can't overcome the fact that most people think he's a huge d-bag. Even David Wright got Joba Chamberlain to go listen to 50 Cent.

A few weeks back, we brought you the story of Christopher Carter, the guy who tossed a fellow spin class-er who was grunting and shouting during the work out. Our hero, Carter, has asked a Manhatten DA to investigate whether the guy he admittedly tossed, Stuart Sugarman, perjured himself. This is based, in part, on a juror's statement calling Sugarman "a huge liar." Sugarman's lawyer calls this a stunt timed to coincide with Sugarman's civil case against Carter.

Three things should happen here. First, like Above the Law, I agree these two need to be paired in a reality show. Second, Carter is still my hero. Last, a national law should be passed preventing grown men from going to spin class. Sissies.

Lastly, Anheuser-Busch has been sold to the Europeans. Frankly, I don't care. Not a huge fan of St. Louis, personally, but beer can only get better because of this sale. I hope. Many (most?) of us prefer to spend our money on American-made and American-owned products. Anheuser-Busch is now a Belgian brand. As a beer drinker, I have one recommendation: start drinking local beer. Instead of downing a brew made on a factory line and sending your dollars to a corporate headquarters in Brussels, Toronto, or Rio, drink something local. It's better beer, and its good for your local economy.

Plug: if you're ever in Barre, Vermont, you gotta check out Stonecutter's Brewhouse. Go on a Wednesday for the best $2 pints you'll find anywhere.

Addendum: if Bud Light is removed from the market and its original maker cast into the depths of Hell, I will call the sale of Anheuser-Busch a good thing.

Written whilst listening to System of a Down's album System of a Down